pre-surgery

I just got a phone call from the neurologist. His EEG (seizure test) was completely normal (ruling out Landau Kleffner Syndrome), but there were some chromosomal abnormalities found that may or may not be of any significance. We are going to schedule an appointment to see a geneticist, who can interpret the tests and decide if the results are a problem or not. The neuro is also still suspecting an end diagnosis of some form of Autism, but we will see.

As a reminder of dates, this Friday is Keagan's pre-op workup for heart surgery. The actual surgery is scheduled for Monday, May 16. We will be spending roughly a week at Duke Children's Hospital, and are estimating that Keagan will be on life support for about half of that time.

I wrote this on Sunday, not intending to share it, but I feel like I should share some of the emotion that I'm experiencing leading into surgery. We are all deeply appreciative of the prayers being sent our way, and ask that they only intensify on our behalf in the coming days.

Moment of honesty: I'm under attack this Mother's Day. Every snuggle and kiss makes me infinitely grateful for this little person who calls me mommy (sometimes, ha) and likes to hold my hand... but there's this dark, awful thought that keeps worming its way into my mind, "what if this is your last mother's day with him?" "let's face it, the worst could happen. you could lose your child next week."
For months now, I've refused to give credit to those thoughts. I have refused to allow that reality to enter my consciousness, knowing that if I did, I would be crippled by fear and sadness and lose every scrap of strength I've clung to for the past year or so. But with a week to go before surgery, I find myself less and less able to push the bad thoughts away 100% of the time. I was in the car this morning and I began to cry to myself, trying NOT to picture my life without Keagan, when I realized something precious. We are facing the possibility of death and the grave, but we are facing it as children of God. God who DEFEATED death and the grave and rose victoriously to give LIFE. So with my typical barely restrained tears, and my constantly trembling knees, I am standing in the gap for my son, trusting, no matter how much I fear the opposite, that God will answer the cry of my heart, and heal my child. I accept that there is a chance that Keagan will only find healing in the arms of God, but I have hope that he will be back in my own arms AND be healed to live a full and wonderful life. 
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and life abundantly." --John 10:10